Starring Larry, Curly and Moe
by Rick Brown
The scene: The Three Stooges, all dressed as American soldiers,
are loitering in front of a Hummer in a desert somewhere in the
middle of Iraq.
Moe – “Okay
now…the two of yous get over here and form a straight line!
I gotta read you our orders the Cap’n just sent us.”
Larry - “I thought
we were here to look for weapons of mass desecration. “
Curly – “You
mean weapons of mass desertion!”
Moe grabs each one by
the head and conks them together. BOINK!!!
Larry and Curly –
Moe puts his hands on
his hips, grits his teeth and says, “How many times do I
hafta tell you Rumsfelds? That was before Big W. decided there
Curly – “Ain’t
Larry – “Weapons
of mass deconstruction!!”
Moe slaps both of them
across the face simultaneously, unfolds a piece of paper and says,
“Now listen up you half brothers to a Republican Guard.
It says here we’re to get in this Hummer and go find us
some insurgents and spread freedom while we’re looking.”
Curly with hands on
hips, belly sticking out asks, “Insoygents? I ain’t
never seen no insygents. What does an insoygent look like?”
Moe points to a teenage
Iraqi boy walking in the background. “He looks just like
Larry, “But ain’t
that a citizen? They look just like citizens?”
Moe, “Yeah they
Larry, “But if
they look exactly alike don’t that make it…what do
you call it? A civil war?”
Moe, “Stick out
Larry sticks out his
tongue. Moe grabs him by his unruly hair with one hand and by
the chin with the other and clamps Larry’s tongue between
Larry – “OWWWWWWW! What was that for?
Moe, “In case
you was thinkin’ about free speech! We’re guests here
remember? Guests spreading freedom and don’t you guys forget
Curly, “But didn’t
we INVADE?” And before Moe can slap him adds, “I know
how you tell them apart….the insoygents from the regular
teeth spits out, “You do huh? Well tell us Mr. Chalubahead.”
Curly, “They look
the same but an insoygent goes BOOM!!!”
“Remind me to
kill you later”, Moe shouts.
Curly - “I’ll
make a note of it.” Curly pulls out a laptop and begins
typing. Moe grabs the laptop and throws it as far into the desert
and he can. Curly puts his hands on his hips and goes “HMMMMMMMM!!!”
in a high pitched whine. Then Curly pulls out a laptop half as
big and begins to type. Moe grabs this one too and throws it as
far into the desert as he can. Curly slaps his hands over his
own face going “HMMMMMMMM” again as he pulls out yet
another laptop…this one very tiny….about 2 inches
by 2 inches. Curly begins again typing on the teeny tiny laptop.
Moe snatches the tiny laptop away, clamps it on Curly’s
nose and squeezes hard. CRUNCH!!!!!!
Curly – “OW!
OW! OW! I think you broke my proboscis!!!”
Moe – “Into
the Hummer weekend warriors” He grabs Larry by the hair
and pushes them both into the vehicle.
Moe gets behind the
wheel and starts to drive erratically with Larry sitting in front
next to him and Curly in back. Curly immediately falls asleep
and begins to snore. “ZZZZZZZZ Mee! Mee! Mee! Mee! ZZZZZZZZ
Mee! Mee! Mee! Mee!”
They hit a rock and
Larry is thrown upwards, hits his head on the top of the vehicle
and says, “OUCH! I never knew exactly what a Hummer was…but
I always thought getting’ a hummer would be more fun than
Moe - “Quit complainin’
camel brain.” He grabs Curly’s foot and twists it.
“Wake up Cheneyhead!! We got insurgents to find!!”
Curly – “NGAAAH!!!
But Moe! I was dreamin’ of Condi!! She was tellin’
me sweet, sweet lies!”
Larry to Moe –
“Well, at least this time he wasn’t havin’ that
Dr. Germ nightmare.”
Curly – “Dr.
GJJOYM!!!!!!!! Not HER!! Not THAT!!!” Curly grabs himself
by the throat and says, “I’m suffocatin’! I’m
Moe – “Knock
if off anthraxhead!! Big W. changed that too!! Besides…Dr.
Germ is in jail posing for BDSM pictures anyway.”
Larry – “THAT
I’d like to see.”
Moe begins wistfully
– “www.attorneygeneralgonzalez.com has them…hey
shut up! We gotta spread some freedom here!!!”
Just then their Hummer
hits a roadside bomb and is blown to smithereens. The Stooges
are seen in the clouds dressed as flying angels.
Moe – “Well
boys…I guess it’s time to meet our maker.”
Larry – “But
which maker are we gonna meet?”
Curly – “Yeah…is
it the old guy with the beard…the young guy with the beard…or
the other old guy with the beard?”
Larry (with a twinkle
in his eye) – “Do we qualify for all those virgins?”
Moe – “I’m
gonna moy-dah yous guys!!!”
Curly – “You
CAN’T Moe!! We’re already dead! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
Nyuk!” Curly sticks his tongue out at Moe and goes “NAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Moe begins flapping
his wings furiously chasing the two other Stooges while Curly
shouts, “WOO WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!! WOO”
Closing Three Stooges
theme begins and the credits roll.