by Tara Seibel
and Love Stories
May 21 – June 6
* * * 1/2
by Joseph Galron
The quiet ways brought back
A slew of cold conversations
Where me and bridget talk in humorous tones
About the sizzling burdens of life
That we wear just under our band-aid skin.
The Non-Fiction Theater of the Truly Mundane
Senior Excursion II !
by Rick Brown
A small mini-bus with folding doors on the passenger side, center
stage and facing the audience. It is a gray and somewhat rainy
day. Rick is driving and there are 9 senior ladies sitting behind
him almost filling the bus. Everyone is relatively quiet.
Rick – That’s the final shopper. Is everyone settled
and buckled in?
Senior lady #4 (from the back of the bus) – We’re
all here Rick.
Rick – I apologize for it taking a while to pick all of
Senior Lady #8 (from the middle of the bus) – It’s
you’re first day and you’re doin’ fine…especially
in this rain!
Senior Lady #5 – Yeah, it’s yucky.
Senior Lady #7 – At least it isn’t snowing!
Senior ladies #1, #3, #4, #7 – Yes!
Senior Lady #8 - You’ll be fine once you know where we all
They drive on for a few moments in silence.
Senior lady #9 – Anybody want to hear some jokes? I’ve
got some doozies!
Senior Lady #1 – Are they dumb blonde jokes? I love those.
Senior Lady # 9 – No…better! I have SENIOR CITIZEN
Senior ladies #1 - #8 – Ah! Ha! HA!
Senior Lady #6 – Well, tell ‘em! What are you waiting
Senior Lady # 9 – Okay. This one is kind of about St. Patrick’s
Day and I know that was a week ago but…”
Senior Lady #6 – Just tell the joke!
Senior Lady # 9 – Okay. Paddy is drinkin’ at his favorite
pub on St. Patrick’s Day when he asks the barkeep for another
drink. The bartender says “You’ve had enough. That’s
all for you Paddy! Now go home to your wife.” So Paddy scoots
off his barstool and falls on his face on the floor. He tries
to pick himself up but again falls on his face. Paddy crawls to
the door, pulls himself up on the doorknob but when he opens the
door he again falls out of the bar an on his face. This crawling
and falling continues all the way home. By the time Paddy gets
home he is exhausted. He falls on his face getting into bed.
Senior Lady # 5 – He sure must be drunk!
Senior Lady # 2 Like a SKUNK!
The bus is filled with laughter.
Senior Lady # 9 continues – In the morning Paddy’s
wife brings him something for his hangover and says, “Paddy,
you sure must have been crocked last night. Paddy looks up and
replies, “How would you know? You weren’t with me”.
Paddy’s wife puts her hands on her hips and says, “The
bartender just called. You left your wheelchair at the pub.”
Everyone on the bus – WAH! HA! HA! HA!
Senior Lady #4 – Tell another one!
Senior Lady #1 – Are you sure you don’t have any dumb
Senior Lady #9 (ignoring Senior Lady #1) – Okay…there’s
this old man and he decides he’s gonna go to the mall. So
he tells his wife he’s driving to the mall and leaves in
his car. After he gets on the freeway his cell phone rings. It’s
his wife. His wife says to the old guy “Be careful! I just
heard there was some guy driving the WRONG WAY on the FREEWAY!”
Her husband shouts into the phone “ONE GUY! THERE MUST BE
A HUNDRED OF THEM!!”
Everyone on the bus – WAH! HA! HA!
Senior Lady #4 – GOOD ONE!! HA!!
Rick – himself
Senior Ladies #1. #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 & #9 –
by Sue Lense
Start with the fortunate first word.
The brick bat and the cricket named Chester.
I was just sitting around suppin’ soup with Bunnicula,
Then hopped down to the The Mad Scientist’s Club
And got a ride under the lake in their homemade sub,
Then lay in fields that get padded with love.
Crow and Servo comment on it,
I set down upon it,
Down around and up on it,
Think I lost then found it,
Grown up big behind it.
Theater of the Truly Mundane
Everywhere You Go There’s At Least One Stooge!
by Rick Brown & Kristina Samuels
Scene: An old
time gas station somewhere in the middle of Alabama. A worker in
gas station garb stands behind the service counter while a group
of four men surround him. They appear to be in a seriously important
discussion. One man is emphatically shaking his head in the direction
of the guy behind the counter. Rick G. enters stage right after
filling his tank and comes upon the group. He is obviously taken
aback by their sense of immediacy.
Rick G. – I’d like to…uh…
The man stage left continues shaking his head in disbelief. The
others look wide-eyed and nonplussed, shifting their weigh from
one foot to the other.
Man behind the counter (with a thick, southern country accent in
an authoritative voice) - No, no, no. no, no, no no, NO! I tell
ya! Da one wit da curly hair was MOE!
Rick G. – Rick G.
4 loitering men – 4 loitering men
Man Behind the Counter – Man Behind the Counter
Larry - Moe
Non – Fiction Theater of the Truly Mundane
A Hot Dog Isn’t Always Just a Hot Dog
a large grocery store self check out lane, the kind of lane for
more than 12 items with a conveyer belt and self-bagging area. As
the scene begins Rick is scanning his last few items. His total
sundry count is not large but more than 12.
Scanner – please insert any coupons in BEEP! Select your type
Rick chooses “cash”.
Scanner – BEEP! Do not forget to take your change and your
receipt. Thank you for shopping Giant Eagle.
Rick moves to the end of the conveyer belt and begins bagging his
groceries when suddenly he hears.
Scanner – Welcome to Giant Eagle. If you have a Giant Eagle
rewards card please scan it now. BEEP!
Rick looks to his immediate left and sees two college bubbas dressed
in Ohio State t – shirts and shorts. The Venti bubba, who
appears to be in charge , instructs the merely Tall bubba in the
fine art of cylindrical grilling meat scanning. They begin scanning
packages of hot dogs, bratwurst, and all kinds of tube like meat
products in what seems to Rick to be a manic pace. Soon Rick is
flooded with purchases that are not his.
Rick – HEY!
Venti bubba – Wha?
Rick – I’m trying to bag my groceries over here!
Venti bubba turns to his smaller version and says, “I ain’t
stoppin’!” with frat boy insolence.
As packages of hot dogs, et al crash into Rick’s bag and purchases
he flings them to his right where they slam against the back of
the self checkout area.
Tall bubba, who is clearly embarrassed, hurries over to begin bagging
up the 2 bubbas’ afternoon picnic spread.
Rick (turning to his right and addressing Tall bubba) – you
guys must be in a big fucking hurry huh?
Tall bubba – (sheepishly) Uh…yeah…sorry about
Rick finishes his bagging, picks up his bag and begins leaving the
store. When directly behind Tall bubba (who is frantically throwing
wieners into plastic bags) Rick pauses momentarily.
Rick – your friend is a real dickhead you know.
Rick walks through the sliding glass door exit.
From behind the curtain:
Scanner – Thank you for shopping Giant Eagle BEEP!
Rick – himself
Scanner – itself
Tall bubba – any run of the mill college frat boy
Venti bubba – any run of the mill college frat boy majoring