Good Old Fashioned Rants

These are just a few items on which I've been meaning to rant for some time. No particular order, just good ole ranty stream o' consciousness, here goes:

The phrase "Support Our Troops". We've all heard it and seen it to death. It's everywhere. Primarily on bumper stickers and, worse, ribbon magnets (I'll get to these)! What does it mean? A fabulous question. Ask someone. You're unlikely to get a straight and/or cogent answer. It'll also depend on how you ask about it. If you say "Why do you 'support our troops'? You'll most likely get a quick and sharp "Why, YOU DON'T?". That is the motivation behind a large percentage of people who 'support our troops'. They simply want to argue about Iraq, Afghanistan, Terrorstan, or whatever other war we happen to be fighting at that particular time. And their first strategy in said argument is to call into question your entire citizen worthiness in some not so veiled ridiculous perversion of the already ridiculous 'you're either with us or against us' concept. But it seems they're too cowardly to simply say "Support Our Wars". That would be a much simpler, logical, and bold way to get to their point. Because that's all that's really up for debate. I mean, who the fuck doesn't 'support our troops'? Not what they do, not their decision to enter the military, but who doesn't support the kids over wherever they are coming back alive? We ALL want the troops, when engaged in deadly craziness, to be as safe and supported as possible. And most importantly to come home alive. Once someone enters the military, while I don't support their decision to do so (generally), I certainly do not wish them dead or to come to any harm. That would be supporting our enemy. I, nor do I think most anyone, want to voice support for the death of American troops. But not liking that stupid bandwagon-y catch phrase and wanting to see dead Americans/supporting the enemy are far from the same thing. What I don't support are wars based on vendettas, wars for profit, wars to 'send messages', wars to 'build nations' and so on. So when troops are sent on missions in the aforementioned types of wars, what I don't support is their mission. Their lives are being put unnecessarily at risk and so I support them being brought home rather than supporting them facing that risk. So I support the troops more than you people who support the troops AND the mission, since your support puts their lives in immediate danger. Ha! Note to self: bumper sticker idea - 'Support Our Troops Lives, Not Necessarily Their Mission'. Additional note to self: somehow shorten previous bumper sticker idea.

Okay, so, ribbon magnets. Obviously this is a genius marketing idea, because tons of people clearly didn't know they wanted them but NOW MUST HAVE! What the fuck? So it must've been the brainchild of someone after tying ACTUAL yellow (or pink) ribbons around trees to support whatever; troops, cure for cancer, who knows. I don't know what became more prevalent first, yellow ribbons for troops or pink ribbons for breast cancer. Either way, they're stupid. That's all I have to say. Okay just kidding. And before you knee-jerk yourself right out of your chair, no I do not think supporting a cure for breast cancer is stupid, nor do I, as already stated, believe supporting the life of soldiers is stupid either. I also feel I shouldn't have to say this but went ahead anyway in deference to any morons reading this. But having a two-dimensional magnetic representative of an actual ribbon on your car showing said support? Yes, stupid. After all I support these things (some of them anyway, I've seen ribbon magnets for libraries, Jesus, Jesus' blood, sex, drugs, and rock & roll, gay rights, cancer(s), troops, our military(s), etc), the difference is I don't need everyone I pass on the highway to know that I support whatever cause. That's what's so idiotic and subversively narcissistic about these. Sure, you may support your cause, but why do you have to tell everyone via some ridiculous car adornment made in China? Go ahead and tell yourself its to draw attention to your cause, but we all know its really for that unjustified feeling of self-satisfaction you get when you slap that piece of junk on your trunk. You want to draw attention to your cause? Write them and ask how you can help if you can't afford to give money. If you CAN afford it, and you want to REALLY support your cause? Give them some money. Directly. Privately.

This next one is priceless. It drives me nuts, but I also actually get excited when I hear it, or when I am watching or reading something where the potential of it being uttered is there. Its a fairly common, and ridiculous, turn of phrase that sneaks into a lot of speeches, live concert stage banter, and television shows. Yep, that's right, I'm referring to "change history". It was shouted a lot at that Live 8 thing a few years back, I think that's the first time I really noticed it. Madonna was on stage and yelled "Tonight we're gonna change history!". Now I don't think I'm being nit-picky, but you might. To change history is impossible! I mean, c'mon! I think I'm just being literal. You can't change history! Its history! Now, perhaps when this is said its thought to be correct, or at least acceptable, or maybe they've just heard it before and are throwing it in there to ice the cake. But what I think is more likely is that people, when in an excited outburst, are accidentally criss-crossing two other phrases; 'change the world' and 'make history'. Those two things are certainly possible, and are a sensible inclusion in a speech or as an outburst. Yes, we can change the world. Yes, we can make history. But no, we cannot change history. What's done is done. Mostly it makes me laugh because I generally give the speaker the benefit of the doubt (either of the two above). But recently I noticed there's now a show on the Weather Channel called, I can't fucking believe it, "When Weather Changed History". C'mon!!!!!! Are you fucking serious? Who approved that title? Seriously? Don't you mean "When Weather MADE History"? Or "When Weather Changed THE WORLD"? I've watched it a bunch and still haven't seen an episode about some giant, crazy, mind-fuck of a time-travelling storm that went back through a wormhole or Einstein-Rosen Bridge created by itself and un-did the Holocaust or stopped the Enola Gay from taking off, because that's what weather would have to do to CHANGE FUCKING HISTORY! Whew. Okay, I feel better.

Addendum to previous mini-rant:

Recently I've heard people make reference to, quite often, 'past history'. Am I nuts (well, obviously if you've read the above), but am I wrong that this is totally redundant and borderline gibberish? Or are they saying 'passed history'? And if so, isn't that just as redundant and even more grammatically ridiculous? I mean, isn't any reference to history a reference to past history? Is it just a, what I would call, totally unnecessary clarification or specification? That is, NOT ancient history? I thought for that usage we said 'recent history'? Was there something wrong with that? Or is it to clarify that we're not talking about, as we SO often are referencing, FUTURE history?

And last but certainly not least, the flagrant and WAY too common misuse of the acronym UFO. I'm sure that if pressed almost anyone who uses this knows it stands for Unidentified Flying Object. To hear it as its commonly used, however, you'd be forgiven for thinking it somehow stands for 'alien beings visiting earth'. After all, I'VE seen a UFO before. That is, something flying in the night sky that I couldn't readily, and positively identify. That's all. This does not mean that I believe that alien life not only exists but also visits our planet on a fairly regular basis. Far from it. 'Do you believe in UFO's?' isn't even a real question in any sense. That's like asking 'do you believe in the unrecognizable?' 'do you believe in mysteries?', or 'do you believe in life after love?'. It's absurd. When people want to refer to actually seeing an alien (not the illegal kind, although I guess if an alien being, from another planet, actually visited Earth and landed in America they would technically be an illegal alien - let's build a space border-wall!), what they should actually call it is an ALF! It's not just a kick ass sitcom from the 80's people, Alien Life Form is a perfectly wonderful acronym too, and in most cases where UFO was mistakenly used, the correct one.