"The Chicago Way"

Am I just a miserable f***? Am I not all that different from Michael Savage, at least in the way that I feel about the city that I call home? For hours everyday Mr. Savage rants and rails on the radio about a great many things, but often about his hatred, disgust, and embarrassment for the city he lives in, San Francisco. Now he is of course a right wing and raised in New York curmudgeon, so its not all that surprising that he hates San Francisco. I on the other hand love that city. I've never lived there so I couldn't say for sure whether I would love to live there as much as I love to visit, but I'd bet I'd love most things about it. But I live in Chicago. The Windy City. The City of Broad Shoulders. The Second City. An absolutely fantastic place to visit during the four good weather months a year. To anyone who doesn't live here I imagine there is a lot to love or envy from a distance, a lot of history, romance, culture, etc. And it's not a mirage, Chicago has all of these things and then some. But for many reasons, more and more each day, I find a lot to hate about this city as well. I was born here in the south side suburbs, and have lived here for all but ten years of my life. So a little over two thirds of my life spent here. And I have some incredible memories, amazing experiences, and wonderful friends and family to show for it, but as I've matured more and more aggravation to show for it too.

The fact that it's called the Windy City should be enough to piss anyone off. Not in reference to the actual wind mind you, but to the metaphorical wind that comes from the ass or mouth of political blowhards as they do their best to distract the public, slander each other, achieve new highs in self-aggrandizement, and new lows in ruthless, disgusting pocket lining. It'd be one thing if this was in reference to some distant past of Chicago, before the populace cleaned house and set the city straight. And we'd all look back on it and chuckle a little, and shake our fingers at those naive Chicagoans of yore who let the powers that were get away with anything. But it's not just Chicago's past. It's our present and future as well. Therefore, if you ask me, this is not a joke. It's not something to be only half-embarrassed by, made fun of in our very own sketch comedy, then laughed off as something that will never change. This is STILL what's known as "the Chicago way". Blago and George Ryan are just the most recent in a timeline's worth of absolute, no argument, straight up f-ing crooks that have had their way with our city and state. Our current mayor is no exception. How long has the current Daley, or any of that ridiculous family, run this city? Is that natural? Sensible? Fair? Smart? Good for anyone but them and the special interests whom they massively overpay? I wouldn't trust a Daley to guard the toilet after I use it, most people who live here would acknowledge that they wouldn't either, but he continues to run our city. He continues to mortgage our future by selling the rights to our tollways, our parking meters, and he nearly broke us vying for the Olympics. Thankfully we lost the bid, a win for the city. That would've done even more damage to us financially than bidding on them did. This is a city run by well dressed, well spoken, and all too well funded gangsters. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the city's police (the gangsters' enforcers).

The police here are absolutely disgraceful. Just as dumb and ignorantly loyal as 1968, 1938, they've just diversified. Much of working Chicago is held hostage by unions (which in general are not all bad), and the police are just another union. Their trade? Window dressing. This is no lie; if I had one nickel for every time I was cut off by a cop (a cop NOT on a call or with lights flashing), saw a cop talking on a cell or texting while driving, saw one run a red light, or excessively speeding, or otherwise blatantly breaking the laws they are charged to uphold and endangering citizen's lives in the process, I would be a multi-millionaire. Few Chicagoans would argue this. Cops here have taken their cues from the men in suits in charge of the big picture, and they bully just as well as when they were kids on the playground. Near as I can tell, that's ALL they do here.

Not surprisingly, the city's only well-run and fluidly working enterprise? Parking enforcement. Of course! They're the city's biggest revenue stream (other than preposterous taxes - including excessive, crippling 'sin taxes' - taxes on vices like cigarettes and alcohol, the former of which they have the nerve to tax $4 or more on but then not allow you to smoke ANYWHERE). If you park illegally anywhere in the city, nine times out of ten you'll have a ticket within fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes! And they will hunt you, track you, boot your car, attack your credit, take your car, jack your insurance, whatever it takes for as long as it takes to get their money. But if you need or are entitled to something from the city? Good luck even getting your first correspondence within two months, which will most likely just say "go f*** yourself - if you dont have a lawyer since you cant afford one - you've got NO chance" anyway (in polite euphemisms of course). It is a racket run by crooks in suits, enforced by goons in uniform. No other way to look at it.

Then there's the people. The everyday citizens. Now they're not all bad. How could they be? Most are certainly just living there lives, trying to get ahead, make something for themselves, raise a family, etc. But it seems while they're going about their business, they have to really be a-holes about it. Maybe I'm just a magnet for this shit, but it boggles the mind the rudeness and, more prominently, the complete and total inconsideration of others I encounter every single day out here. Mostly, its on the roads. Want to learn about a city where you intend to live? Drive around for one week on the busiest roads at the busiest times. This will bring out any city's citizens' true colors. When I learned to drive, I learned that the car horn was to get someone's attention, let them know you're there, say 'excuse me', etc. That kind of thing. That's what I use the horn for. Here it apparently means, to someone who gets honked at, "go f*** yourself motherf***** I hope you and your mother f***ing die!". No matter what the circumstance, this is what people I honk at hear. That's not what my horn says mind you, it says 'beep', it says 'excuse me'. But the aforementioned is what they hear, and what they respond to. I've been on a one way street, driving the correct direction, only to see an oncoming car and, when I beeped ONCE for a short duration, not laying on the horn, had the other driver, as they pass me going the wrong way, take both hands off the wheel to flick me off, then roll down the window and shout obscenities as they drive by. Really? I mean, really? Just the other day I was very, very nearly run over by a cab, as I crossed a "T" intersection on foot, in a crosswalk, in a residential neighborhood, and after I jumped out of the way of the cabbie as he came to a screeching halt ten feet into the intersection, when I yelled "what the f***?" he turned around and reached between the two people in his back seat, the fare mind you, to give ME the finger! Really? If I had a nickel for every instance like these as well? Billionaire.

So you want to visit Chicago? Please, by all means, do so. Visit. Want to live here? get your head examined. Or figure out a way to get paid a nickel every time someone shits on you and you'll be rich, and likely in charge, in no time.