Letters to Hollywood
With the success of movies like “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” “Snow White and the Huntsman,” and “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters,” Hollywood is thirsty for new, fascinating stories about the inner action star living inside legendary characters and historical figures.
To cash in on this, I decided to send some pitches I’ve been working on—waiting for the right moment to strike with—to Paramount Studios. Below are these letters.
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November 23, 2012
Dear Paramount Studios,
So we all know the story of Little Miss Muffet (Scarlett Johansson), right? Or do we? In a screenplay that stars are calling a mash-up of “Eight-Legged Freaks,” “The Avengers,” and “Big Momma’s House,” Little Miss Muffet is enjoying some delicious porridge made by her Aunt Silvia (Jennifer Lopez) when she’s bitten by a radioactive spider. Inheriting the same powers of a spider, she seeks vengeance on a horde of monster-sized spiders (John Goodman) who threaten to take over New York City after murdering Aunt Silvia at the end of a hilarious chase scene through Silvia’s booby-trapped home.
Please let me know when you would like me to come by your studios to further discuss my screenplay, “Little Miss Muffet: Spider Exterminator.” Also, on the poster, Muffet will hold a chainsaw with the tagline: “She wasn’t frightened away for long.”
Thanks,
Shawn R. Gaines
Screenwriter
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January 3, 2013
Dear Paramount Studios,
Okay. I get it that “Little Miss Muffet: Spider Exterminator” may be too similar to Spider-Man.
But what happens when Humpty Dumpty’s son (Ryan Reynolds) learns of his father’s death before the hands of the king’s imbecilic medical staff? In “Humpty Dumpty: Assassin of Kings,” Humpty Dumpty Jr.—aka HDJ—begins his career as an assassin. After taking out the king that killed his father (John Goodman) and a string of subsequent patriarchs, HDJ gets more than he bargained for when an anonymous client offers him a king’s ransom to kill the quiet Princess Shelly (Jennifer Lawrence), his former grade school crush.
A hard-boiled killer with a heart of yolk, HDJ has to choose between love and money, without getting cracked by a bounty hunter (Sean Penn’s chiropractor) hired to kill HDJ himself.
I’ll be by your studio on Tuesday to discuss this screenplay further.
Thanks,
Shawn R. Gaines
Screenwriter Extraordinaire
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January 20, 2013
Dear Paramount Studios,
Based on your short response to my previous letter and the fact that I wasn’t “welcome” at your studio when I came by a couple weeks back, it sounds like fairy tale stories are played out a bit. I understand. You want more history. I can do that.
In “Jesus Christ: The Spy Who Loved All of Us,” Jesus Christ (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) returns to Earth in 1974 to single-handedly end the Cold War. A U.S. spy, Jesus uses his powers of invisibility, flight, immortality, and food multiplication to infiltrate the Russian headquarters in central Siberia, attempting to stop the villainous Ivan Stragovinsky (Ken Jeong) and Satan (Amy Adams) from destroying the world. There’s action, intrigue, and a teaser trailer in which you simply hear Jesus’s voice over a black screen saying, “Thou shalt…kill,” and then blood streaking down the center.
“Blessed are the Russians, for they will be hunted like the commie scum they are.”
Give me a call to discuss. You have my info.
In His name,
Shawn R. Gaines
Pro Screenwriter
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February 3, 2013
Dear Paramount Studios Jerks,
Was it the sex scene where Jesus and Cleopatra fuck in a pyramid? I can cut that out. Either way, it’s clear “Jesus Christ: The Spy Who Loved All of Us” wasn’t your bag. I guess the machine guns and hover cars both seemed out of place. Plus, people prefer historical figures they can relate to, like this one…
It’s early November, one day before the 2000 presidential election. Gore and Bush are practically tied, Republicans and Democrats are at odds, zombies have ravaged the south, trolls have gained a foothold in Central Manhattan, and fireballs with arms (Danny DeVito) have kidnapped the cast of TV’s Friends (Fun.). Is there any hope for America?
That’s when “Janet Reno: Soul Destroyer” breaks out her 5-foot-long machete and ice gun, and takes care of business. Janet (Julianne Moore) has it all: brains, sex appeal, smarts, and a 10-wheel Janet-mobile with ejection seat and bazooka headlights (voiced by Walter Kronkite postmortem). But can Janet save the country without losing her husband (Tyrese) and two kids (Daniel Day-Lewis and Kathy Bates)? It’ll be a challenge—especially when aliens start invading Jackson Hole—but this is one attorney general who’s ready to kick some ass.
The screenplay is attached. Please send all royalties to the address on the cover page.
Take care,
Shawn R. Gaines
Staff Writer
Paramount Studios
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