The Gift of the Clown

Steven was broke. And out of a job. After five months of hard work for the dot.com--his position would've become permanent at six--he was fired without notice. Fired that very day. Friday, December 13th.

What was he going to do? At least his rent was paid. But Christmas was coming and he had no gifts for his precious Jennifer. She was a devoted vegetarian. The pride of her life was her zircon encrusted wok which she used to make stir fry. He was going to buy her an assortment of organic vegetables to cook in it. But now he didn't know if he could afford it.
Steven was as fierce a carnivore as Jennifer was a vegetarian. Steven had a grill the size of an Hummer that was the pride of his life. One year on Labor Day he used it to smoke an entire cow. But as much as he loved that grill, he loved his Jenny even more. So, he knew what he had to do. He sucked it up like a man, hitched the grill to the back of his truck and pawned it at the 24 hour pawn shop down the street.

Jenny, meanwhile, had lost her job as well. The President had signed into law a bill that abolished all social services, and so the public library where she had worked for fifteen years as a page abruptly closed. Though she loathed the barbaric practice of eating meat, she loved her man even more and had planned to purchase a herd of grass-fed cattle from a small farmer in a nearby community for him to slaughter and grill during the winter. Now there was no way to make that happen. But she did still have her precious wok....

As it happens, the two lovers found out on their own that, when you are desperate to sell, it's a buyer's market. With the pittance Steven received in return for his grill couldn't buy nearly the bounty of organic produce he had envisioned. But the manager of the local McDoodie's restaurant his boyhood friend of his and he persuaded him to sell him a box of tomatoes and three foodservice bags of fries. Jennifer, meanwhile, purchased a box of hamburger patties from the McDoodie's down the street from the now boarded-up public library. It was the best that she could do.

Christmas morning came and they exchanged their gifts. Each was shocked upon discovering what the other had done, but was also touched by the spirit of the season. It seemed like the best Christmas ever, as though they had broken through to the true meaning of the season.

It seemed that way, that is, until they cooked their food in the microwave, their only remaining means of cooking. "Ugh," Said Jenny, "I'm sorry, baby, but these potatoes taste like beef. And so do these tomatoes."

"It's OK, hon," replied the chagrined young man. "This hamburger tastes like...I don't know what, but it's not made out of meat."

They inspected the boxes that their food came in. Beef tallow was indeed a main ingredient in the French fried "Potatoes" and the tomatoes had been modified with beef genes. And the hamburger patties, well, they mostly consisted of soy products.

They sat there, hopelessly saddened. They had had the best of intentions and made the biggest of sacrifices, but it had all come to naught. Until Jennifer had the brilliant idea of switching their plates around, enabling them both to have a satisfying meal AND a Merry Christmas.