How To Swim

Our esteemed editor-in-chief has informed the staff that, while there is no formal theme to this issue, we should keep in mind that summer is upon us. It is with this timely reminder that I have selected the subject of my column’s installment.

In Columbus, Ohio, lacking access to large bodies of water, swimming is done primarily in pools. Consequently, my remarks relate to this variety of swimming. The first matter to consider is attire. Male swimmers, of which I am one, must decide between fashion and function. Ever since the great Michael Jordan began donning long basketball shorts in the 1990’s, we have seen men’s sportswear drop precipitously below the knee. Today, it is considered nearly obscene for a male to show any skin belonging to the upper leg. As a result, swimmers who wish to remain fashionable must swim with several square feet of fabric flapping about their thighs. Unfortunately, sport science teaches us that such fabric flapping drastically increases resistance so that the swimmer must work much harder to propel himself through the water.  Given this situation, one might elect to swim in a less extensive swimsuit. Expert swimmers opt for something like the Speedo brief. Be forewarned, however, that while the Speedo affords the swimmer greater freedom of movement, it comes with its own risks. If the Speedo wearer does not possess a physique that conforms to the image one associates with the term “athlete”, he might be subject to negative thoughts or even derogatory remarks. Another way of looking at it: if your midsection, in its protrusion, tends to obscure most of the Speedo, you might do well to choose the more expansive suit.

Pool swimming is done in lanes. If you are lucky, you will have an entire lane to yourself, allowing you to weave and wander your way from one end of the pool to the other. If, however, you are forced to share a lane with a fellow swimmer, it is incumbent upon you to swim a straight and narrow course lest you make inadvertent bodily contact with the neighboring swimmer. Such unwanted intrusion upon your neighbor’s half lane might lead to conflict. It might even be alleged that the contact was not inadvertent, that it was intentional and amounted to molestation. Before you know it, both sides are lawyering up for a court case, unfortunate publicity quickly follows, and the next thing you know you’re out of a job or evicted from your apartment.

If you should encounter anyone walking, standing, sitting, or knitting in the course of your swim, please report the matter to the lifeguard on duty. Such non-swimmers have no place in lap lanes, and should be directed to move to the wading area. It is common for such persons to claim that their activity is a form of “water aerobics” and that it is entitled to all the privileges extended to swimmers. This is merely a clever ruse used by those who seek to bask in reflected glory. They do not swim but demand to be treated as a swimmer. Enraging though this is, do not confront the non-swimmer by yourself for you risk all the undesirable outcomes outlined in the preceding paragraph. Let the lifeguards handle it. That’s why they make the big bucks.

The act of swimming itself consists of propelling oneself through the water using one’s limbs. You can use as many limbs as you have available, or you may elect to use only some of them. This is the beauty of swimming. As long as you can float and move a few fingers and/or toes, you can call yourself a swimmer. There are many of varieties of swim strokes from which you can choose. You may even decide to swim backwards if you like, employing the venerable backstroke. The principal drawback to this type of swimming is the inability to see where you are going. You can probably obtain an attachable rear view mirror at a swim outlet, or you can just let matters take their own course by waiting for the moment when your cranium collides with the end of the pool, prompting you to turn around and start swimming in the opposite direction.

Whatever swim stroke you choose, the most important element of swimming is breathing. In truth, it might well be said that unless you breathe, it matters little what stroke you select or what suit you wear. Breathing is truly the one indispensable element of swimming. You cannot be said to be a swimmer, if you cannot breathe. It is as simple as that. If you fail to breathe, you do not swim – you sink. And you sink in a most embarrassing and calamitous manner. Lifeguards must plunge in after you, drag you from the pool, and apply resuscitation techniques in order to preserve your life. Not only is this absolutely necessary but it is also thoroughly humiliating. So, by all means, breathe. If you are not skilled in proper breathing techniques I suggest you look for a future column in this series, “How to Breathe.”