How to Shovel Snow

Now that winter has finally arrived here in the Midwest, it is time for us to brush up on basic, cold weather survival skills. Accordingly, it is necessary that we try to remember where we stored the snow shovel last March. Is it in the shed, the basement, the garage? Or did we just shove it in the closet with everything else we don’t know what to do with? Of course, it does us little good if we finally recover the implement without calling to mind its proper use.

You might ask, “What is there to know about using a snow shovel?” And, in a sense, you would be right. It is, after all, a rather simple tool designed for a simple purpose. But if you conclude that there is nothing else to be said on the matter, you would be in error. In fact, before we even undertake discussion of a snow shovel’s function, we should consider whether the very idea of a snow shovel is superfluous. Why do we need one? Shouldn’t we permit snow to fall where it may in keeping with nature’s grand design? Who are we to interfere with the natural order of things? Is it too much trouble to lift one’s leg a little higher to step over a few inches of white matter lying on our walkway? If we get a bit cold and wet, are we going to melt? Is the world going to end?

My neighbor never shovels snow and he gets along just fine. True, he owns a couple of 4-wheel drive SUV’s and plows his own path in and out of his driveway without any trouble – something many of us do not have the luxury of doing. And I did notice a UPS deliveryman who seemed a little peeved last February as he plunged knee-deep time and again in order to place a package on where he estimated my neighbor’s front porch to be. But spring took care of the problem eventually, and all the white stuff disappeared without my neighbor having to lift a finger.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not recommending this course of inaction. Being a responsible citizen who is also interested in avoiding any and all citations and lawsuits, I shovel my walkway and driveway assiduously every winter. I even did it when I lived in an apartment, because I didn’t want to wait until management finally got around to it (usually after it became too difficult to locate my car which was 75% buried). As a result, I have become knowledgeable in the art of manual snow removal, and it is this expertise that I wish to pass on to you.

Immediately upon retrieving your snow shovel, carefully examine it. Is it yours, or does it belong to someone from whom you have borrowed it? If it is someone else’s, how long has it been in your possession? If longer than three years, consider it yours, because the original owner has probably forgotten you even took it. Examine the shovel’s edge. Is it plastic? If so, you may feel free to push, lift, and throw your snow about with abandon. You have a lightweight, practically indestructible tool at your disposal. On the other hand, ice will pose a problem. It will not yield before a plastic onslaught. For this you require metal. With a metal-edged snow shovel, you can hack away at the hardest ice, breaking it into small pieces which can be flung aside. Take care however, that you do not also pound your sidewalk and driveway into pieces, a common complication that usually results in unanticipated expenses.

Does your shovel have a straight shaft or is it bent? If it is bent, is it by design, or have you inadvertently bent it in frustration during a previous winter? If the shovel is bent by design, this is because the designer has reasoned that a bent shovel relieves pressure on your back by rendering it unnecessary for you to bend over quite as much while shoveling. It is the back, that is most likely to be overtaxed and injured in the course of shoveling, and for this reason many shovelers prefer the bent shovel. I myself opt for the older, straight model, probably because I myself am old and straight. I am long accustomed to bending over the snow, pushing and flinging it aside using time-tested form, muscles flexing, breathing deeply, sweat flowing even in the coldest of conditions. Not for me the new-fangled bent shovel, or God forbid, the gas-powered snow thrower! You can employ them if you desire, but believe me, there is nothing like the satisfaction you get when clearing your own residence of snow with the old-fashioned, old model snow shovel.

After you are done, you can lean back on the handle and admire your handiwork. Chances are, if you have been diligent, you are the proud owner of the first cleared sidewalk in your neighborhood. You have done it yourself without any mechanical aid. Yes, your back may be a little stiff, and your clothes a bit clammy, but look at those school children treading past on solid cement as they walk by. Isn’t that a smile of appreciaton? Aren’t they glad that they need not trudge through snow drifts left untouched by your neighbors? Of course they are. That is satisfaction enough. It does one’s heart good to know that ones’ efforts are appreciated. Wait, now, what is that they are doing? Scooping up snow and forming snowballs that they are tossing in your direction? No, you don’t feel like participating in a snowball fight. You haven’t the energy. You don’t even recognize those kids. They’re not playing, they’re little hoodlums. Quick, retreat behind your door! Lock it, lean against it, and listen to the fusillade. But you have forgotten your shovel. You must rush out and retrieve it or it may disappear. And it may not even be yours. You are pelted with snowballs as you stumble back to your front door, wet and cold. Ungrateful wretches. Next year let them slip and slide. You’ll be damned if you’ll lift a shovel to help.