How to Eat: Holiday Edition

In the U.S. of A., holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are all about two things – eating and football, in that order. Now you could argue that football comes first, but you can only say that if you have no sense of history, no memory of your childhood, no recall of your first learnings. Because all you have to do is think back to first grade and visualize the Pilgrims and the Indians (actually Native Americans) sharing their ceremonial harvest feast together in peace and brother/sisterhood to realize that food takes priority. Did you see any football around in those days? I should say not. Not even any soccer (the real football), or baseball or foosball, or corn hole, or anything. Oh sure, there was some Indian game, a primitive version of lacrosse, they played for a week or so at a time, and a few dozen or so competitors expired before the final whistle blew. But we can’t count that. There weren’t any Pilgrim participants for one thing. And if there were, none of them would have survived because they didn’t know the rules. Hell, they didn’t even know how the plant tomatoes or maize and would have died of hunger if it weren’t for the generosity of their Native American neighbors, so how can we expect them to know how to play primitive lacrosse and not get killed?

So forget about football coming first, even if we can’t sit down to holiday dinner these days without the big screen TV tuned to “America’s Team.” No, it’s mainly about the food. We can’t even watch the NFL unless there’s a king size bag of Doritos handy with a variety of alcoholic beverages available to wash them down, right? But when it comes to holiday dinners, we’re not talking snacks. Forget about the Fritos and the 20-ouncers. It’s horn of plenty time. We want to see the roasted turkey, the sweet potato pie, the cranberry sauce, the stuffing! The heavy, substantial holiday meal has to have plenty of stuffing. In fact, stuffing is the heart of the matter. The bird must be fully stuffed, and there needs to be extra stuffing all around it in the pan – the stuff that couldn’t fit inside the bird. This is because the holidays are all about excess. When you celebrate a harvest, you really got to lay it on thick. You’re entertaining relatives and friends – no time to pinch pennies or check your budget. The time is now. Who knows when you’re going to see these folks again? And what are they going to think of you if you serve them tofu and coconut water?

Now we have the general picture – a feast is mandatory. We must have more than enough food on hand. And there is no such thing as too much during the holidays. We might even go so far as to say that too much is just enough. And the offerings must feature something being roasted. A turkey is traditional, but goose is good too. Remember your Dickens and Scrooge sending for the Christmas goose once he overcame his miserliness? Yes, goose is fine. You might ask what about groundhog or some other rural meat source? Not out of the question. You must consider the local traditions of your guests. If they prefer 20 or 30 squirrels to one meaty turkey, by all means feel free to be creative with your menu. One staple, however, that must remain constant is the starch. There must be plenty of it – baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, yams, stuffing (don’t forget the stuffing!). That’s what it’s all about. What about desert, you ask? There must be desert. Naturally. The pies: pumpkin, apple, lemon merengue. Don’t worry, they’re on the menu too. It’s just that when we get around to the deserts, enjoyment of the meal is usually a thing of the past, and it has become a question of endurance. Who can put away that thick wedge of pumpkin pie and still maintain a sense of equilibrium? Still saunter to the car in an upright posture? Still bend at the waist behind the steering wheel without blacking out? Ah, these are questions to be considered at another time.

Which gets us to the principal subject of this essay. How do we put it all away? The first thing you need is confidence. Confidence that such a massive infusion of calories in such a relatively brief timespan will not do permanent damage. You have doubts? Didn’t you cheer on the extrahuman efforts of Joey Chestnut as he put away a few hundred hot dogs at Coney Island last summer? Didn’t you swear that you were equal to such a feat yourself? Of course you did. Now you can prove it. You fear that you might need a little assistance? Here’s the answer: horseradish. Horseradish, you ask? Yes, the very thing! You see, all that roasted meat and starch will tend to form an impenetrable mass in your gut if you do not cut through it with a substance that can pave the way for digestion to take place. There is nothing better than horseradish for this purpose. It works like a laser. Now you might not be equal to the task of chomping down on a fresh stalk or spooning it up straight from a jar, so I recommend that you use the Susan Stamberg’s horseradish relish, and plenty of it. The veteran NPR correspondent shared her grandma’s recipe with listeners years ago, and it has rescued many a diner from disaster. The recipe is available on the internet, and it is delicious.

There you have it. You are all set to put away a stupendous holiday spread, and live to tell about it. No thanks are necessary. Merely go forth and enjoy. And don’t forget the horseradish.