In Praise of the Idiot Box

As Covid vaccines continue to roll out, we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Normal life, that thing we led before the pandemic struck, might return sometime in 2021. Should that time arrive, we might look back and ask ourselves how we ever survived. Of course, too many of us didn’t. And among those of us who did, some lost their equilibrium. How could we be surprised? Some blamed the lack of live, personal interaction, the inability to give family and friends a hug. Among the more vulnerable, depression set in. But I suspect there were other factors responsible as well.

It wasn’t only what we were missing that damaged our psyches. It was also what we had available with which to fill our time. With no live company to provide companionship, many of us turned to that screen mounted on the wall or sitting on the stand in our family room. Turn it on, and it is almost like having someone there. It talks to us, provides background noise while we cook, clean, surf the internet. Now and then it can actually grab our attention, and we glance to see rioters storming the capitol or our would-be dictator impeached again. But most of the time the TV merely provides a sense of connection to the larger culture. We are not really isolated, we are all watching Wheel of Fortune, “America’s Game,” just like we did before the plague hit.

Unfortunately, TV also can also take its toll. It doesn’t take long before we become aware of the fact that some messages being received over the airwaves are repetitive and irritating. There is that annoying woman telling us that she was 75 thousand dollars in debt and didn’t know how she would ever catch her breath. The IRS was being mean and insisting that she pay up. They were going to take her car and her home. They wouldn’t give her any slack. Who is this poor woman? And why won’t anyone help her? Fear not, Optima Tax Relief comes to her rescue. They talked to the IRS for her. She didn’t have to do a thing. Now was suddenly debt-free and it’s like being born again. Now she has a new beginning. And she owes the IRS $150,000.

Then there are the poor folks who drive their cars, and after a while they break down. And the damn garages and dealerships expect them to pay for repairs. Everyone knows that hardly anybody can afford those kind of things. Not to worry, there’s Car Shield. It’s like having a suit of armor around your car. Whenever your car breaks down, you just tell the mechanic that you got Car Shield and they pay for the repairs. They even fork over enough for a rental. (Just don’t think about the fact that the $150/month you’ll be paying for five years or so before your car breaks down will likely amount to much more than the repair will cost you. And if you had taken your vehicle in for periodic servicing, you probably could have avoided the whole deal.)

Finally, there’s the collection of over-the-counter medical marvels that will enable you to avoid the ravages of time. Are you worried about failing eyesight? Are you threatened by degeneration of your macular? Now, most of us don’t even know what a macular is. Personally, I thought it was the tooth directly to the left of the premolar, but what do I know? Whatever it is, we should probably take care of it, right? Well, the TV tells us, “If it was my vision, I’d take Preservision.” My vision? Preservision! It has a nice ring to it, no? “My vision, Preservision, my vision, Preservision.” You find yourself repeating it all day long. Then you make a mistake. You say, “My vision. Preservision, my vision Prevagen,” and you realize you have conflated two different commercials. Prevagen! Yes, that’s the wonder placebo that convinces you that you can regain all age-related memory loss, and suddenly recall everything you had long ago hoped to forget. Preservision and Prevagen, how did we ever age without them?

This is not to say that there isn’t an actual benefit to television commercials. Now and again we encounter an ad that genuinely entertains. Case in point: Dr. Rick, Parenta-Life Coach, who can prevent you from turning into your parent. He takes a group of endangered adults on a field trip and deftly prevents a woman from telling a someone on speaker phone that she is having a big lunch and just a snack for dinner. Then he jumps on someone else who is advising a stranger on what kind of putty knife he should buy (“You don’t know him”). And he helps a couple of guys who are trying not to react to a customer with blue hair who strides by (“We ALL see him, we ALL see him” “Blue!”). Many of us can use a Dr. Rick. The problem is, when we see a commercial that actually amuses, we frequently don’t notice what is being advertised. Turns out that Dr. Rick works for Progressive Insurance where no one becomes their parent.