Morbid Curiosity: A Diatribe
A.K.A. In the Event of My Death

The following is a lark, not to be taken seriously, unless you so choose. It is little more than an attempt to obfuscate myself or others for amusement and perhaps inveigle some with my pithy opinions using myself as an example.

When I die, all I really want is this: my body must be donated to science. I don’t want a casket and to be buried, and I don’t want to be cremated (barring extenuating circumstances-read on). All my organs should be donated if they are worthwhile and if circumstances permit. Every part of my body that is useful to others in any way, science or donation, should be given away. (I suppose if I must put one limitation on my expired body’s usage I would have to request no necrophilia – that is meant to be funny). Cremate or, if you must, bury any leftovers (read on for burial instructions). There is simply no excuse for doing anything less. The antiquated notion that our bodies are sacred or that to ‘desecrate’ them after death is disgraceful is absurd. What is disgraceful is this: to let perfectly good human biomass with tremendous life-saving value to others through science or donation go to waste to preserve some fabricated notion that our bodies mean anything spiritually after we are dead. But say there is some spiritual value? Who would challenge me to disagree that there is anything better a person can do in dying than to give life to another?

That said, if my body isn’t wanted because I haven’t exactly preserved it as a temple during my short time on this blue and green playground, then I suppose I would prefer cremation. Caskets are a fucking rip off. Fuck all that. If you must bury me for some reason (I’m not sure how expensive cremation is), use a pine box. No joke. If all other options have been explored, use a pine box. And don’t try to get cute with my words and get some fancy-ass coffin made out of 3,000 year old bristlecone pine or something. I mean pine planks, 2 x 4’s or whatever. No plush coating on the inside.

Remember, all the material shit that this world (including me) is seemingly entirely concerned with – you, I, nobody can take it with them. Nobody. It is useless. If you spend a bunch of money on me you will be completely wasting it, and I will consider it an insult. I don’t care if I’ll be fucking dead! I will still be insulted! Take all that money that you would have spent on a fancy funeral for me, put it aside, and when you’re ready use it for something for yourself or others. Donate it to charity, or to an environmental concern, or to a university, or buy yourself a slave on a foreign black market of your choosing (this is still all too possible) and be his/her benefactor, go to Europe, whatever! The point is I don’t really care as long as the money isn’t spent on me in any way (no expensive headstone bullshit). It will do me no good! Also I will not allow any loopholes in these wishes in the form of insurance coverage (although I would advocate using any available insurance money to have the party). Spend it on whatever would make you most happy. If you must dedicate the money to me in some way to feel better about it then spend it on something you think would make me most happy. If you must have a gathering of some sort that’s fine. But not at a funeral home. A party is preferred for I am an advocate of, when someone has passed, celebrating their life instead of mourning their death. Rent out a bar or something bigger and have a blast on me. Tradition should dictate nothing in regards to my funeral (I’d probably feel differently if I respected the tradition, but American tradition seems to be to spend an absurd amount of money on a cold, scripted, and trumped-up ceremony MC’d by a total stranger). And please no priests or Bible-readings (unless one finds a particularly apt passage, or if you’re trying to be funny).

Funeral homes tend to be evil, I mean seriously, did you ever see Scanners? That old guy was really weird, and he just kept saying “Boy!!!” Weird. Not to mention the sweet evil orb that exsanguinated that guy’s skull, but anyway. They (funeral homes, not scanners, or are they?) are half the reason that people still feel the need to have elaborate funerals that cost thousands and caskets that are extravagant variations on the traditional pine box. I know there are laws pertaining to human disposal, so take those into account and do what’s necessary. But wherever possible avoid the funeral home. They make you feel like you’re disgracing or letting down whoever passed away by not wasting many thousands of hard earned dollars on a box to bury them in and an impersonal service conducted by strangers. Cemeteries take up too much room. That’s valuable land they’re sitting on! Although it is probably for the better, if the cemeteries weren’t there it would probably be a strip mall or something else hideous. At least the cemeteries have open expanses of green grass and flowers.

Sound mind and body, all that shit.