Of Pilgrimages, Epiphanies, and Tequila
OR:
Of Conch Fritters, Fish Dip, and Red Stripe
(Neither Necessarily in That Order)

by Rick Brown

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Dan and I took our annual trip to the Florida Keys in September this year. I mean…what better idea to make the excursion more intriguing than going during hurricane season…right after Katrina, the country’s biggest natural disaster…and just hours before Hurricane Rita? At first I did feel a little uneasy about traveling down there after Katrina’s devastation. But the local economy thrives on tourism…at least that’s how I rationalized it. And this year we only had three nights. So we planned only to stay on Key Largo and forgo the drive to Key West. This would give us more time to relax…or evacuate. And it was a good thing too. There were some 30,000 or so bikers in Key West for the weekend.

Flying at 6:30 a.m. can be a great way to make your vacation seem a little longer. It can also be a very good way to self impose a jet lag you wouldn’t get leaving at a more reasonable hour. This is what I blame for two nights…the final two…of both Dan and I crashing at 10:30 p.m. in our hotel room. I, at least, was honest about our seeming “geezerness” and put the blankets over me. Dan on the other hand…fell asleep in a sitting position with his laptop nestled in his arms like some high tech Teddy Bear. I’m surprised he didn’t get some sort of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome of the hips. We did manage to stay up late our first night there for two reasons: when we first arrived I was so delighted to see “Napoleon Dynamite” on HBO…and Dan having never seen it…that we drank all the bad commercial beer in the expansive…and expensive…Marriott mini-bar and watched the flick in its entirety. And after visiting our usual haunts…Snook’s http://www.snooks.com/ and Lor-e-lei’s on Islamorada http://www.keysdining.com/lorelei/ for our exclusive diet of conch fritters, oysters (when available), and fish dip washed down with a cold Red Stripe (With the exception of breakfast at DJ’s Diner this was literally all we consumed besides alcohol.) we sat drinking margaritas on our veranda listening to requests I made from Dan’s iPod from the some million and a half songs he’s downloaded. Getting loaded listening to the songs Dan downloaded!! These tunes were a welcome change from the same 50 you hear year in…year out...from local musicians. I can’t blame them. They’re the same 50 songs I’VE been playing for some 30 years. They’re the songs most people want to hear at the beach…when they’re bombed…watching the sunset. And since we consumed a full 3 fifths of 1800 Tequila for the second year in a row it’s no small wonder we crashed so early the next two nights.

I really didn’t savor the idea of sweating by the pool for three days in upper 90’s heat…not just at the Marriott Key Largo. So to put a unique stamp on this adventure I convinced Dan we should go snorkeling…in search of the “Underwater Jesus”. I kid you not…there is a statue of Christ by a reef at the John Pennecamp Coral Reef State Park. http://www.pennekamp.com/ I learned of this before the trip and it became somewhat of a personal pilgrimage. Not so much because I thought I’d be moved by an “Underwater Jesus” as that the idea struck me as totally weird. Little did I know exactly how weird the experience would be.

Dan and I drove to the state park on Friday to check things out…debated for the good part of the afternoon while lying by the pool in 99 degree weather…and decided to take the plunge the next day at noon. I do believe I piqued Mr. Eley’s interest with my obsessing over “Underwater Jesus”…even though there was no guarantee that’s where the state park’s boat would take us for an hour of snorkeling.

Saturday was a LOT more crowded at Pennecamp than Friday. At first we lamented not going the day before…until we saw all the women getting on our boat. I’m not going to lie to you. Much of the attraction of going to the beach…the pool…anywhere hot with water…for a lot of healthy guys it’s the almost naked women. The boat was full of young couples…and Dan and I. And even if we don’t really qualify…we’ve been to the Florida Keys together before…so we’re used to people assuming we’re a gay couple. Why let it bother us? Both of us are used to it by now really. In the past we’ve been “gay fishermen”. Today we were “gay snorkelers”.  Besides…it makes it less obvious we’re ogling women more than half our age.

The crew consisted of two Park Rangers who gave us a tutorial in what to do if you thought you were drowning. I wasn’t quite sure if either one of them had the athletic ability to save anyone…but I took their word for it. And the inflatable vest keeps a snorkeler afloat anyway…unless of course panic is involved. But Dan and I both have experience swimming and snorkeling. So I was relaxed…ready…excited even…for an audience with “Underwater Jesus”!!! And much to our delight one of the rangers announced that we were in fact, going to see the statue of Christ! Shiver me timbers and Holy Moses!!! We learned more…that the world has three statues like this. And Jesus is made from brass. He used to get polished all the time which made him “glow” on a sunny day. But since the EPA recently made a rule that no one can touch coral in or around a coral reef the statue now has coral growing on it. “Underwater Jesus” is an integral part of the reef in this sense. He’s covered with “Christaceans”!!

After an uneventful boat ride that lasted an hour, accompanied by the ranger’s chatter, we dropped anchor and were ready for whatever lie beneath the surface. Across from us was a group of young Cubans…maybe four couples. And as everyone began stripping down to their swimsuits I saw that the Cuban women had on teeny, tiny, microscopic bikinis. Bikinis so small they could have been assembled from three Post Its and 6 inches of kite string! If “Underwater Jesus” wasn’t smiling now…I was sure he would be in a few minutes…assuming he’s…uh…straight of course.

So down the ladder I’m slogging with my flippers flapping…snorkel mask in place…breathing tube clenched between my teeth…and a guy who is already in the water quietly tells me, “Be gentle as you get in. There’s a big barracuda about three feet from you…under the boat.” Whoa boy!!! There’s no easing in to this.  Now I know a barracuda won’t hurt you. Intellectually I know this. But if you’ve ever seen one up close…in the water…three feet away with nothing between the two of you…well…it can be a little intimidating.

Dan and I stuck together. He was manning his underwater digital camera and I was floating. It was a little choppy on this day. Fish were everywhere. The visibility was pretty good and the coral was easily admired as well. Soon enough…after we zoomed over a rise in the reef…there he was!!! “Underwater Jesus”…all seven feet of him…stood on a base in some 30 feet or so of depth. Arms up stretched…eyes looking for the surface…a beseeching look on his face…he seemed to be trying to tell us something…imploring us. Maybe it was chiseled in the base below his feet. I couldn’t see. I could only imagine something like: First Neptune…chapter three…verses 17 through 22, “BLUB! Blubbibby blubbiby Blub!! Bluubby Blub Blub!!! Of course this is in the original “Atlantis”. The King James translation is “Truly, truly, I say unto you snorkelers!! I used to be able to WALK on this stuff!!!”

Okay…there’s another week in Purgatory. And here comes yet another…because as I’m swimming…snorkeling…around “Underwater Jesus” (it was almost impossible to get away from him) I would occasionally look somewhere and see…some beautiful young Cuban female buttocks!! Hey! There’s Jesus! Now there are the amazingly gorgeous buttocks of a young woman!! Hey…there’s Jesus again!! Bare buttocks!! Jesus! Sweet Jesus there are those lovely young female buttocks again!!! This was… to say the least…quite disconcerting. Had there been an “Underwater Mary” as well, the scene would have been…metaphorically of course…Catholicism in a nut shell. (Sea shell? Taco shell?)

It was then two epiphanies were revealed to me. The first…that I was getting mildly sea sick in the choppy waters. I began feeling somewhat queasy. The second epiphany…that if women had nipples on their buttocks our Puritan past would have incited some man to make them cover up…that I would not be gazing on the beauty of God’s handiwork…some 15 feet from a statue of Jesus…underwater. No sir. I would be looking at some male invention called an Ass Bra instead!!! At this point in time I felt relatively delirious and told Dan I needed to get back in the boat. And after settling in onboard I began feeling even worse. Ironically, right across from me one of the pretty Cuban women commiserated with a crooked smile that said…in any language…I too feel like death Mr. Half of The Only Gay Couple on The Boat!!

Once on dry land I began feeling a little better. And as the day wore on Dan and I resumed our routine of sun, conch fritters, fish dip, oysters, beer and/or margaritas. And since we had a late check out Sunday we went to the pool for a while. Again, it was 99 degrees. I overheard a pool guy talking…telling others to begin tying the chaise lounges to the palm trees. I knew then it was time to leave. We missed Hurricane Rita sweeping over the Keys by maybe 30 hours. Fortunately it’s damage was minimal compared to Katrina. And Dan and I again celebrated our 30 some years of friendship. We felt lucky for that…for the adventure of “Underwater Jesus”…for missing the hurricane…and perhaps most of all…for women not having nipples on their buttocks!!