Kill Paris Hilton

Wow. Free Paris Hilton. That’s all I’m saying. Fucking Free Paris Hilton man. Don’t Support Our Troops, don’t Pray For Our Troops, don’t God Bless America, don’t Find A Cure, don’t Support the Local Pipefitters 109, no, that’s all bullshit. Free Paris Hilton! She’s not actually IN jail, but fucking Free Paris Hilton!!! Where’s my fucking fuzzy pink, white, and diamond studded goddamn car magnet-ribbon? Let’s get on that shit China! What’s the problem here? Re-fit the molds, re-use the Find A Cure magnet pink dye and let’s start pumping them out fast, I don’t care how sweaty your shop is. We’ve got to hurry before she actually gets put in jail so we can be primed and ready to free her, should the unthinkable happen. As we know, she doesn’t deserve to spend a day in jail; I can’t believe how much time she’s already had to spend in court! Can you imagine the humiliation of it? If, for several whole uninterrupted hours, she was treated like a regular citizen? One shudders at the thought. The petition says it all, with facts to back it up.

Fact 1: She’s an heiress. Hello, that automatically affords her greater room for error with respect to the law. After all this is America and here, ever since we ended apartheid, we don’t have royalty, we have heiralty. And since an heir is “a person entitled to property or rank as the legal successor of its former owner” , then by pedestrian logical deduction we know that she’s better than you because of the wealth her father accrued all on his own. ‘You’ of course meaning anyone other than her including as listed below (but certainly not limited to) Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, Brandi, Busta Rhymes, Eve, and many many more. That should be enough right there, right?

Fact 2: She’s not just an heiress, is she? Oh no. She could be content with just being that but she’s chose to (quite generously I might add) enrich all our lives and the lives of those all over the world by “providing hope for young people” with her “beauty and excitement”. Mundane? That’s putting it mildly! My life would simply be unlivable without the modeling, celebrity spokespersonship, acting, singing, and writing of one Paris Whitney Hilton. Not to mention the fucking on tape. Look into your heart and tell me it’s not true for you too. Yeah.

Fact 3: All she was charged with this past week according to the petition was one DUI! Can you believe that? Shit I get one DUI in my sleep once a year. It’s fun, and good clean fun, after all who’s it hurting? The conflicting reports that she was originally arrested for DUI in September 2006 and that this jail sentence is the consequence of her two subsequent traffic stops (1/15/07, 2/27/07) for driving with a suspended license are simply not mentioned in this petition and therefore are hearsay. As Paris stated through her spokesthing she didn’t know her license was suspended. They say they found a document in her glove box, signed by her, that acknowledges she was aware her license was suspended at the time of her 1/15/07 traffic stop, but that obviously must’ve been planted to frame Paris out of jealousy of her heiralty.

Fact 4: She “did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time”. Outrageous! As I mentioned before, we live in a little country called fucking America!! Citizens here who don’t kill anything don’t go to jail! It’s that simple. What other reason would we put people in jail? Larceny? Rape? Kidnapping? Who the hell even knows what these words mean? Exactly.

As the petition analogizes this is EXACTLY like when President Ford pardoned President Nixon in every way, yet, dare I say, a hundred times (to conservatively estimate) more important and relevant? And where would we be had Nixon not been pardoned for his mistake(s)? (Apparently there’s some historical discrepancy over whether Nixon made A mistake, or more than one mistake). I don’t want to know where we’d be is my answer to that. Although that’s mostly because I have no idea who those two gentlemen were. Were they heiralty? Doesn’t matter, who the fuck are they compared to Schwarzenegger and Paris Hilton? Exactly, nobody.

As the petition states, so do I: I do not support DUI charges! Free Paris Hilton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post Script: Okay seriously this is one of the stupidest and funniest documents I’ve ever read. Granted I don’t read blogs by anyone ever. This paragraph alone is absolutely priceless: “We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.” Fucking gold. Anyone else get the distinct sense that Paris dictated this to someone? In the third person no less? Wow.

“To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.”